The “Ozzy Osbourne Theory”

Of all the legends of rock, Ozzy has been the most puzzling for me. I mean, yes, it’s disturbing to see Alice Cooper in golf attire (don’t goggle it), and strange to think of Roger Daltrey as a fish farmer, but these are minor hiccups in the rock god image these guys have acquired. But Ozzy is different. Here’s a man who apparently has been stoned/drunk for the last thirty or so years. I have the feeling that if you withdrew his drinks for a week he would be genuinely surprised to learn that he is married with kids. He just mumbles and stumbles around during interviews (and don’t forget the incident with the dove, either), and in general, gives the impression of somebody who has no idea about who he is, and what he is supposed to be doing at any given moment. Yet you put him on stage, and he performs miracles. This duality is puzzling.

This has led me to the following conclusion… Before each concert someone just yells “quick, boot up the Ozzy!”, and then they plug him into some computer to have the appropriate software installed. There is no other explanation.


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