Of ants and men

Ants are assholes.

I came to this revelation last week. Lying on the beach, listening to the waves, being one with Nature and all, suddenly I feel a burning pain on my belly. An ant crawled up all the way, and then decided to bit me.

I tried to imagine what went on in her tiny little mind, and I just cannot see any scenario where the bit was NOT an act of some douchebaggery.

I can’t imagine she was trying to take me home for dinner. I mean I know ants are not geniuses and all, but I don’t think even a small brained creature like an ant could reasonably expect to take down a pray my size, and drag it back into her colony to be the celebrated hunter of her generation. So that’s out.

I cannot see her crawling all the way up, then suddenly realizing she is on some gigantic animal, getting frightened and biting in panic. It’s quite clear what you’re climbing on for the first footstep. So that’s out, too.

All that remains is that this ant for whatever reason decided to climb on my belly, and celebrate her achievement with a bite.

Hence: ants are assholes.

  1. Or…

    She climbed up, what she believed was just an ordinary hill. Suddenly it was moving under her six tiny feet. (Do ants have feet?). She would have been clearly freaked out and in her panic she attacked the mass moving thing underneath her. Perfectly reasonable I think. I would have done the same if I was climbing a hill and it started to moving under me. Id definitely freak out and then attack. Probably not bite but you’ve got to work with what you have. Id punch the shit out of the moving thing under me hahaha.

    • She must have noticed the hill was not an inanimate objects. Even arthropods can make this distinction. (Spiders, for example, are acutely aware if they are on your hand, that you are a large animal, which represents a danger to them.) No, as I said, ants are just jerks.

      • Unless of course she was drunk. I’ve found myself on top of people and not realising until the blurry sober morning.

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